Thursday, July 24, 2008

Who Needs Therapy.....

....when the world has George Michael?

So I fear I may be choking on my hypocrisies from the last post. Well sort of. I still don't remember the stupid fight in the parking lot. Whatever. But I have realized that I compartmentalized, rather than deleted. It has become evident that there are things I remember in vivid detail; magnicolor in fact. Not just brilliant visions of scenes from the past, but scents, textures, emotions. They are in fact there, not buried or hidden; not even jumbled. They even make sense. What amuses me is that creative souls often look for life parallels in great works of literature, an opera, a fugue, a painting. Me? Eli Stone. Yes, Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore and it seems as though we are being guided by visions of George Michael. You gotta have faith.....

I do wonder, though, lately, when is it too late to fix something you've broken? Not a coffee mug or a picture frame, but a matter of the heart. Once enough time has passed does it become only self serving and ridiculously unfair to even try? What is all this crap about making amends no matter how much time has passed? I have so many things to say, to explain, to settle.....but I think in the long run it will only make ME feel better, and this is the selfishness I seek to avoid.

I want to scream for my ears only, and then speak softly from my heart in hopes my message, in its purest sense is received. I want to take responsibility because I need to own it, but I also want to blame the forces which prompted me to be who I was not, say what I would not, do what I could not.....pull the rug out from a dance so perfect sending me on a journey to here. I need to say I never wanted to. I was not me. But now I am; I think I have found myself buried under a mountain of the experiences paving my way back to who I know I am.

But for what? He has is own mountain and it is one I am not allowed to approach. It is not my place; it is not my world. I threw that away a long time ago. It doesn't matter that the Wizard behind a veil of self declared strength, power and force pulled the strings, causing me to act like a marionette in a time not so long ago and a place not so far away. It doesn't matter who I've become or even how I got back to the simpleness of my younger me. It only matters that everything is different now and there is no place for any of this in the here and now.

I don't believe that letting a butterfly go and watching, waiting for its return reveals anything profound. It is a bunch of shit. Loving someone truly means that such a test is unnecessary. If you throw love away, expect it to feel treated like trash. And if you encounter its silhouette in place and time and distance buffered with new experiences, new accomplishments and new love, don't expect to retrieve it, uncrumple it....even fix it. I know it is too late for all that. But I am grateful for the memory coming back to me, for it means that I am not in a place of distinct unfeeling or nothingness. I am thankful for the chance to relive in my mind the smell of that cologne on that leather jacket, the sound of that laugh, the warmth of that kiss and the gentle peace of honestly and truly feeling loved. I'm even okay with the realization that I have never felt those things with such purity ever since. I really am fine.

George Michael just happened to kick me in the ass for a minute.


Well there ain't no point in moving on
Until you've got somewhere to go
And the road that i have walked upon
Well it filled my pockets
And emptied out my soul

All those insecurities
That have held me down for so long
I can't say i've found a cure for these
But at least i know them
So they're not so strong

You look for your dreams in heaven
But what the hell are you supposed to do
When they come true?

Well there's one year of my life in these songs
And some of them are about you
Now i know there's no way i can right those wrongs
Believe me
I would not lie you've hurt my pride
And i guess there's a road without you

But you once said
There's a way back for every man
So here i am
Don't people change, here i am
Is it too late to try again
Here I am

~George Michael

PS - his show at madison square garden was phenomenal.